Fruit 2 Day - For the laziest of lazy

There is a product on the market now, a fruit drink, called Fruit2Day.

If you are unfamiliar with this product, good. Essentially Fruit2Day is just plain old fruit juice. Now of course fruit juice has been on the market for God knows how long, so how can they make it new and appeal to consumers? Well, instead of juicing the entire bottle, why not juice 7/8ths and the remainder is composed of "fruit bits." This gives the good ole' fruit juice a fresh face.

So why am I talking about this?

I was watching TV the other day when a Fruit2Day commercial came on. It opened with a busy business woman in her cubicle trying to juggle a few things. She pauses and digs through her bag for an apple. Biting into it the camera zooms closer and shows that the juice squirts out each side of the fruit. The woman's face turns shocked and slightly disgusted. Her phone then rings and the camera zooms out showing her trying to have an apple in one hand and reach for the phone with the other. She gets frustrated and fumbles around. The announcer then says "Fruit2Day, an easier way to eat fruit."

I sat in bed and wondered:

"When has fruit ever been hard  to eat?"

Fruit is ready to eat right out of the bag. No need for refrigeration, you don't need to heat it, you usually don't need to do prep workout, and there is absolutely no clean up.  In fact, fruit is among the EASIEST natural food sources we have on the planet. Never once have I bitten into an apple and said to myself:

"God, this apple is so much work to eat. And what's with this juice? This has shocked and disturbed me as I expected an absolutely dry piece of fruit with no juices at all. Oh no, the phone is ringing. I am totally disorientated by this cumbersome fruit that I am fumbling through my day. This apple is so incredibly juicy that I am physically incapable of balancing multiple strenuous activities. Picking up the phone is far too taxing as it is let alone dealing with the tedious task of eating a small apple. What ever will I do? I mean, I can't put the fruit down or anything, that's an extra step and honestly I just can't afford the four milliseconds it takes to perform. Who has that kind of time? And what do I do when I'm done with this apple? It's not like I can throw the core away absolutely anywhere and it will biodegrade, that's such a hassle. I think I need to switch to Fruit2Day to ease up my life!"

Do people buy this shit? Hey, I'm all for fruit juice. I love me some OJ all the time. But don't try to play it off like your product is the easy way out of something that takes zero effort. And don't play it off like it's revolutionary either. You make and sell juice. Period. It's not magical, it's not easier, it's not the way to go.Your product is pureed fruit and juice in a plastic bottle. A bottle, by the way, that sits in a landfill for the remainder of Earth's existence. Not only do you contribute to America's laziness, you appeal to ecologists by raping the Earth! Excellent execution, pricks. And your juices are from concentrate, yuck! I haven't had concentrated juice in years for the mere fact that it tastes like asshole. I have an idea. Now, this may sound over the top, so bare with me. MARKET YOUR JUICE AS FUCKING JUICE! Drop the lazy enabling campaign and focus on what your product is, JUICE. Look at Flordia Natural. A commercial from them says, "Flordia Natural: 100% fresh squeezed Flordia oranges." Holy shit that was hard. I'm exhausted, that took a lot out of me to tell the truth about my product. I should of laced my orange juice's marketing campaign with some sort of relate-to scheme based on America's need to always find the easy way out an contribute to the obesity epidemic.

Listen, fresh fruit is always the way to go. We all know this. Drink juice in moderation and occasionally. And stop being so damn lazy. If a product offers a fast track way that seems to improve on something that doesn't need improving, turn away. The human metabolism is designed to break down and absorb food. Drinking juice instead is doing to your body what you're allowing your mind to become, lazy.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to spend a whopping two minutes of my precious time peeling and eating a grapefruit. God damn, what a hassle.